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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Over heard at the Fudge house.

Many of you know that I have two kids: Madison who is four, and Caleb who will be three in short order. I thank God that for the most part they play well together. Sometimes they get after each other, though, and I’ve been working at applying Biblical wisdom to resolving their disputes. On the issue of selfishness, which is a typical cause of conflict, I have been invoking Mark in which Jesus teaches that personal gain comes through sacrifice, hence “But many who are first will be last, and the last first (Mark 10:31).”

I want them to understand that Jesus set the example by concerning Himself with serving others rather than Himself, ultimately sacrificing His life on the cross. Out of this I want them to learn not to think of their own wants, but of deferring to others and “showing love” as we call it.

So this morning, as we were heading down to the basement and they were jockeying for first position to go down the stairs, I asked, ‘Now what does Jesus tell us about wanting to be first?” To which my son loudly replied,

“Caleb!”

Baby steps….baby steps!

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This just in! Major scientific breakthrough!

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Are you like me? Do you drive around in winter wondering why sometimes you can get the windows to stay clear and sometimes you can keep them from fogging up? Well wonder no more! I’ve been pondering for years what the method is for consistently keeping my windows clear and I finally figured it out!

Turn the “recirculate air” button OFF!

Though it’s tempting to think that using cold air from outside will inhibit your efforts to keep the car warm, the air you bring in will be dry and it will displace the humid air from your STINKY BREATH! Using only recirculated air results in an accumulation of the previously mentioned stank-breath which is humid as well as rank.

To get this genius little trick to work, it is best to start after the car has been off for a bit, or after rolling the windows down for a while. Push that button and enjoy the results!

And for those of you who will claim to have already known this, keep it to yourself. If you need something to keep busy with, try selling some of that IPO Apple or IBM stock, or enjoy reading that contract that you signed the Beatles with. I think you know what I mean.

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This picture is funny.

This picture is funny.

 

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Is there a spiritual gift for proof reading?

I hate chain e-mails, especially those that deal with humor. However, my brother-in-law sent me this, and I thought it was worth sharing, so enjoy!
____________________________________________________________________
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
____________________________________________________________________
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus”.
___________________________________________________________________
Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
____________________________________________________________________
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
____________________________________________________________________
The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
____________________________________________________________________
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
____________________________________________________________________
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
____________________________________________________________________
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way
again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
____________________________________________________________________
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
____________________________________________________________________
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
____________________________________________________________________
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
____________________________________________________________________
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
_______________________________________________________________
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
____________________________________________________________________
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
___________________________________________________________________
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to
the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
____________________________________________________________________
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
____________________________________________________________________
Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered.
____________________________________________________________________
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
____________________________________________________________________
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
___________________________________________________________________
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
____________________________________________________________________
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday.
____________________________________________________________________
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
____________________________________________________________________
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation
is invited to attend this tragedy.
____________________________________________________________________
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
____________________________________________________________________
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

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Nietzche gets carded! Hegel argues the goal!

Having come across this classic Monty Python bit recently, I knew I had to put it up on the site. I think I went fishing after the Reformed Geek put up some Python. This is, I think, my favorite python sketch eve. Now, as a Christian, I find it even funnier because I’ve had meaningful exposure to these philosophers. Hope you enjoy it as much a I did.

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This is my daughter, Madison. She’s three years old. Isn’t she cute?

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Just two nights ago, Madison went to being fully potty-trained. She’s been ready for a while, but two nights ago she gave up pull-up diapers and made it through the night. i can tell you I’ve seldom been so proud. We even removed the child-proof door-handle cover so she could let herself out in the middle of the night to use the bathroom if needed.

That turned out to be a mistake.

Last night (night two) my wife and I were downstairs watching a movie when I heard Madison walking around upstairs. It’s happened before in the course of potty training, that we’ve left the door open in the case of a late night emergency, only to have her roam around the house like she owned the place.

I went up and found her settling into the toy basket. When she saw me she had this look on her face like she knew she was out of line but wasn’t sure if she would be punished.

“What are you doing, Madison?” I asked. Plain as day, she replies “I’m playing around.”

I explained that she could leave here room only to go to the bathroom. I though, why would I expect a 3 year old to check themselves in this way? I asked her if she needed to go before going back to bed, and she said yes.

When i took her upstairs and grabbed the bathroom door handle, I found it covered in….well.. Vaseline. Immediately I looked at our bedroom door and saw that the door was closed 9not how we left it) and the light was on (NOT how we left it!). When I went into our bedroom and then our bathroom, I saw all kinds of things out on the counter, including an open jar of fingernail polish. I called my wife for help and inspected Madison’s fingers for further evidence of the crime. How can you be upset when she’s playing a doing cute little girly things?

That question was answered, in part, when I noticed that far more polish ended up on the cabinets that on her fingers. Just after my wife arrived on the scene, I spotted the open jar of Vaseline. As I was turning to put her to bed, by wife spotted another tube of bathroom product on the counter. I questioned Madison, sternly, “Did you put this in your mouth?” to which she indicated “No.” So I discipline her, though lightly out of relief that nothing more serious happened, and put her to bed.

On my return to the crime scene, my wife observed that Madison had dipped a toothbrush…. Amy’s toothbrush… in the Vaseline. I racked my brain to determine whether poison control should be called, like the time she got into the Flintstone’s vitamins and ate about half of them along with some of a bottle of cough syrup. We agreed that there was no danger. But I had to go back into Madison’s room to question her one last time.

Now, at this point she’s been sternly warned and exhorted about the dangers of eating cortisone cream, lectured, spanked once, and put to bed. So when I come back into the room, she’s clutching the sheets under her chin and looking at me like “Uhh..are we not done?” I asked her, sternly “Did you brush your teeth with Vaseline?”

She just looked at me and said “No” so plainly and matter-of-factly that I could help but turn my head and laugh. I pulled myself together and finished my admonition, and walked out of the room.

I’ll spare you all of the spiritual ramblings that I might of gleaned from this. I hope that you enjoy this as much as I already enjoy my memories.

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